The trees of our world are imbued with magic older than the magic Dixus possessed. Because of this they were protected and remember the world as it was before Dicktopia. It’s also important to know that the trees are among the worst gossips on the planet. Besides standing around all day, they have nothing to do but share the exploits of the short lived creatures they observe. It’s rare, but sometimes they do communicate with those same lesser beings. Before I tell you the story of aspiring warriors Jonas and Marvin, it’s important to understand that this is a third hand account, originally told by the trees of Razorburn Ridge and passed to me by Gwenn.
Aller Anfang ist schwer.
In Agrithun, before “The Dickening” occurred, there weren’t many barbarian tribes left. The ones that remained lived in harsh environments where it wasn’t easy for the King to pursue them. The Knochenstaub(one of the oldest surviving tribes) were mountain dwellers that would raid Millit and smaller villages every so often, taking what they pleased. What was unique about them was the three part ritual aspiring youth undertook to become warriors in their society.
Jonas and Marvin had been sent into the mountains to hunt a Mammoth as the first part of this ritual. Only savages would send two young men armed with nothing more than axes and shields, to take down an aggressive 6 ton beast. The silver lining was they did have “bier” to keep them warm. It was going to be bitterly cold and snowy where the Mammoths roamed and they’d probably need the liquid courage as well.
Returning to the tribe without proof of a mammoth kill was not an option. They’d have been shunned from the tribe and lived the rest of their lives in exile. That in mind they had to be self sufficient until either they returned victorious or died trying. It wasn’t uncommon for only one member of a pair, or neither, to return to the Knochenstaub. But those who returned triumphant would be accepted into a brotherhood of fierce warriors.
Marvin led them to an old cave frequented by hunters from their tribe. It overlooked the high snowy plain where the mammoth herd stayed this time of year. Jonas set up camp, lighting a fire and wasting no time getting into the bier they’d brought. Together they began hatching a plan to take down one of the mammoths.
The agreed plan was to dig a pit where the valley narrowed and cover it back up with branches, brush and snow. Then, using torches they would attempt to scare the mammoths and get them fleeing that direction. With luck, one of them would stumble and be injured or trapped by the pit. It wasn’t full proof in the slightest, but if it worked, this would be a sure way for them both to return potentially unharmed and before their rations ran out.
The two dug the pit, stuck some sharpened sticks in the bottom of it, covered it up and returned to the old cave for the night. They went over their strategy again, had some bier and went to sleep by the fire. Marvin was keen for them to be fresh and ready at dawn to take down the mammoth. Jonas however, waited for Marvin to go to sleep and got back into the bier.
Morgenstund hat Schwanz im Mund?
Morning came and Marvin shivered as he sat up. Their fire had died down to just a few embers in the night and clearly Jonas had been more interested in tending to the bier than the fire. Marvin kicked the still drunk Jonas and he woke up confused. Marvin stoked the fire, they warmed up and went to the cave entrance to see if the mammoths were still in the valley. Something was wrong, the mammoth herd all looked like dicks.
“How much did I drink?” asked Jonas, rubbing his eyes. Marvin replied that he saw it too and took the mug from Jonas, taking a large swig of the bier. Unknown to them they had slept through the Dickening. The world of Agrithun had been transformed into the world of Dicktopia as they slept that night. A bird flew by, also shaped like a dick and they looked at each other confused.
The young warriors had spent the night in a cave that had been adorned with anti-magic runes long ago by a Knochenstaub shaman. For this reason they had been unaffected by the magic of Dixus. The young men discussed the new dick creatures they saw for a moment but agreed they still needed to kill a mammoth before returning to their tribe.
They armed themselves with axes and shields. Marvin grabbed a torch and Jonas grabbed a mug of bier. Cautiously they set off to encounter the mammoth herd. What they did not account for was the heightened aggression of the now dick shaped mammoths. Mammoths were already aggressive but the increased hormones coursing through their bodies made them even more so.
As Marvin approached the herd shouting and waving the torch, the expectation was the mammoths would turn and run towards their pit trap. All of the herd did this aside from the alpha male. Klarmag as the trees called him, did not run. Instead the 8 ton, large tusked mammoth trumpeted loudly and charged the pair.
Jonas, who had been trying to drink away his hangover, continued drinking his bier and readied his shield. Marvin readied his axe and shield, turned to Jonas and scolded him for not taking this seriously. They pair crouched together behind their shields and braced for the initial attack. With a wild swing of its tusks, Klarmag sent the two barbarians sprawling across the snowy grass.
Marvin, much clearer of mind, had noticed something as the mammoth swung at them. This mammoth didn’t have a normal neck. But just like any other dick this mammoth had a banjo string. If they could sever that bit of flesh, it would surely bleed out and die. It was their only chance.
“The banjo string!” Marvin shouted, as they both got to their feet, scampering out of the way as the mammoth charged past. Jonas looked at where he’d been knocked to the ground. His shattered bier mug and the rest of his bier was lost to the snowy plain. A rage built inside of him. He let loose a mighty yell, dropping his axe and shield. Unarmed, he ran at the mammoth with his fists clenched.
Marvin was terrified for his drunk friend. Clanging his axe and shield together, he moved toward the front of the mammoth to get its attention and hopefully distract it. Marvin deflected a blow from the trunk and landed a deep cut to one of the mammoth’s legs. Just then Jonas grabbed its left tusk with both hands, swung towards its head and grabbed the fur near the banjo string. He didn’t waste a moment as he bit into the thick flesh and ripped it open, losing a tooth in the process. Blood sprayed across the snowy plain in the dawn light as Klarmag howled in pain and collapsed.
Alles hat ein Ende, nur die Wurst hat zwei.
Jonas’ right leg was crushed when Klarmag died and fell on him. He was lucky this was the only injury he received. The remaining bier would have to suffice as a painkiller until they returned. Once home and with the right potions, he’d be walking again in no time. Marvin used the tusks and some of Klarmag’s fur to fashion a sled. He cut the mammoth open hoping to find the liver, as mammoth liver was a Knochenstaub delicacy.
But… as everything was a dick now, the mammoth anatomy had changed. There was no liver, instead where he thought he might find one, he found a giant golden studded ring. This was out of the ordinary, but they figured the mammoth must have eaten it by mistake. Unknown to them or anyone (including myself) really, they were holding the key to saving Dicktopia. They had just found the Cock Ring of Banus.
All the trees knew after that was that Jonas and Marvin weren’t able to return to their tribe. Their tribe were all transformed during the dickening. Being dicks now, they didn’t recognize or accept the two. Marvin was able to steal a potion for Jonas’ leg. The pair seemed lost as they ventured north into this transformed world. All I knew was I needed to find them. Everyone aware of this change was an ally now. What I didn’t know was the power of the ring they possessed.