Part 2: Ambush at Sweaty Swamp
With a few words in Abyssal that only he and Markus understood, Dixus was gone. I wanted to wring Markus’ neck for what he’d done. How could I? We were just a couple of dicks now and he didn’t have a neck to choke anymore. Secondly, there was something initially unsettling about grabbing a large cock that looked like your friend. Besides that, I needed his help to escape Millit. So I just stood there a moment, taking it all in.(That’s what she said.)
The growing chorus of screams coming from outside brought us back to reality. We quickly remembered the horde of zombies savaging Millit’s poorly disciplined militia. The red glow coming through the windows also made it evident that the town was now on fire. Quickly as we could, we gathered our necessary belongings and headed out the door. Looking back on it, what we saw next was a ridiculous sight. In my many years of adventuring, I had seen a village on fire as battle raged before, but this was different.
Zombie dicks biting human dicks, human dicks chopping arms and (dick)heads off of zombie dicks. It was unreal. None of them seemed phased by their appearance. It was like no one but us was aware anything had changed as well. I questioned for a moment if it was an illusion. Maybe it was some sort of mind trick Dixus had only played Markus and I. It didn’t matter. The terror and threat of it all was unmistakably real. But you didn’t feel the terror in your stomach anymore, you felt it in your balls. Death as a human or a dick was real.
Between Markus and I our magic was more than potent enough to facilitate our escape from Millit and get us into the hills. Once out of immediate danger we readied ourselves for the journey ahead. We hiked til our balls ached and set up a makeshift camp far from the main road. Millet, still ablaze, was now a faint glow in the distance. It definitely wasn’t the right time, but that’s when we had it out. I called him a selfish idiot and then he tried to defend his actions. We squabled for a bit. In the end I was convinced we needed to return to my tower and figure out a way to fix this. He agreed. He took the first watch so that I could sleep and when I woke up he was gone(predictable).
That cowardly son of a bitch might have abandoned me, but it didn’t change my plans. I needed to get back to my tower where I had resources to deal with this. Unfortunately for me the magic of Dixus had altered the world’s geography. Even though I knew which direction my tower was because of my attuned staff, I was going to end up faing dramtically transformed terrain along the way.
The journey out of the mountains and into the forest wasn’t too bad. I have to admit it was strange to take in all of the changes Dixus had brought to the world. Everything from the smallest of insects to the largest of woodland animals I encountered were now dicks. Dicks with wings, furry dicks, scaley dicks… (oops all dicks). Eating my first dick squirrel and a family of dick deer prancing through the forest are memories that stand out from that bit of the journey. The question was; How was I going to compete with such powerful dick magic?
I guess I didn’t realize I was in any immediate trouble until a few days into the journey. The ground was getting soft and the forest was quickly becoming a swamp. There were no swamps between Millit and my tower in the old world. I was not, by any stretch of the word, prepared to cross a swamp. I slept the first night on the outskirts of Sweaty Swamp as I didn’t know how long it would be until I’d find a suitable place to sleep again. The next morning I wrapped my balls/feet in as much leather as I could and this old wrinkly dick set off across the swamp.
If you’ve not been, Sweaty Swamp is eternally foggy, heavily wooded and the water is black with murk and deep. I must have walked for nearly a day and a half before I was ambushed. A pack of swamp sharks had been clocking me for a while. I’d never envisioned the dick could be so sleek and streamlined of a beast. I nearly shat myself and froze in place when I saw the first one’s fin crest the water. My mind was about as foggy as the swamp at that point but my headmaster's advice to always wear protection had paid off. I punched my staff, cracking the magic pearl in my ring. A defensive orb appeared around me and I sat down, maintaining the magic and collecting my thoughts.
The sharks swirled about, trying unsuccessfully to penetrate the orb. They vanished, but every instinct told me they were still close. I wasn’t equipped to deal with more than maybe one of those sharks. So I just sat in the glowing white orb for a while feeling sorry for myself and very tired. I sat so long that the mud started drying on me. I picked it off as it dried as a sort of game to keep myself awake, but my eye was heavy, closing and my head nodded. The magic flickered and I snapped back, awake for the moment at hand. Just then, one of the sweetest voices I’d ever heard called down to me.
“You look like you could use a hand.” she said with a smile.
A blonde but muddy elven maiden was crouched on a high branch overlooking my situation, bow in hand and a hawk perched next to her. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be so happy/relieved to see a dick with tits sat overtop of me in a swamp. She introduced herself as Lady Gwennwithe Kokinhend. She drew an arrow and nodded to me. Together we made fairly short work of the Mud Sharks who had never actually left. Bursts of my deflective magic and her bow skills let us down 3 of them in less than a minute. The rest of them fled. Impressed and thankful to be alive, I looked up to her with a smile and waited for her to descend from her sniper’s perch.
We journeyed the rest of the way to my tower together. I’d say we kept each other safe, but in reality, Gwenn (as I came to call her) was much more capable of adventure than myself at such an advanced age. A lot of information came to light on that journey speaking with her. Although transformed into a dick herself, she was aware of what had happened to the world. Apparently the trees had told her to find me and help me.
It turns out that Gwenn was some sort of witch or seer amongst her people (that bit didn’t translate clearly) and was quite in tune with nature. According to her, the trees were fused with older magic than Dixus possessed and were unaffected by his magic. They’d also laid witness to the changes in the world and were quite upset with the imbalance he had brought to the world.
The most interesting thing she told me along the walk was a story she had heard from an elder tree on the outskirts of the swamp. It was the story of two barbarians who hadn’t been affected by Dixus’ magic. They had remained human during the transformation and they would turn out to be key in the fight for us to regain our non “dickified” world.